The Military Made Me This Way!

Last week was Spring Break for all my kids…no, I don’t know why it was so dang early in the year so don’t ask…and it just so happened that the heavens decided mid 70 and sunny weather was in order for that same week. It was BEAUTIFUL!

Thankfully, my job allows me to work from home four days a week, so I was able to be home with my kiddos and take advantage of the amazing (albeit temporary) Spring weather.

We have lots of kids on our street, including my nieces and nephew, so there’s always someone to play with. But because it was so nice out, we took advantage almost every day and went to the park in our neighborhood. We have tennis courts right next to the playground, and my son and I broke in our pickleball set we got for Christmas (so much fun and my competitive nature had me trying just a little too hard against my 9-year-old, I’ll admit) while my daughter played with friends.

Being Spring Break, there were other moms at the park with their kids. Now, usually, I don’t like talking to people I don’t know. I’m very awkward at small talk…like really awkward…so I try to avoid those situations.

However, we are still “new” to our neighborhood and other than the moms on my street that I hang out with regularly, there’s 5 of them including my sister, I don’t really know any others. Summer is coming and I know we will be at the pool a lot and I want to be able to say hi and to know people and have play dates for my kids, etc. For all of that to happen, I have to actually speak to people enough to get to know them and for them to get to know me.

Ugh.

Fortunately for me, the military has had me in so many situations in the past 16 years that, although I may be awkward at small talk, it doesn’t mean I won’t participate in it or even start the conversation.

Prior to the military, nope, that was not happening. I’d sit by myself and read a book or just people watch. But with kids, I feel like I have to make an effort to know people so I can, 1) lead by example and show them how to be positively social and, 2) get to know other moms so I can feel comfortable with setting up play dates so my kids can make friends and feel more confident in their friendships.

In addition to the military, I’m blaming my friend Jen from Cali. She is an extrovert with an emphasis on EXTRA (I love and miss you Jen) and she had 0 problems talking to anyone. If you had ears and were in talking distance…and in some cases shouting distance…she was talking to you. There was no getting away from her. She’d chase you down…literally…to say hi. I’ve seen her do it. (She's in the middle in the pictures below)

On Thursday, I went to the park with my kiddos. I’d messaged my street crew to see if anyone wanted to meet but everyone was busy, or at work with family members watching their kiddos. We were walking to the playground, and I saw who I thought was a mom sitting at the picnic table, I went over and sat down across from her. Then I channeled my inner WWJD (What would Jen do?) and said “Hi!” I asked her which kid(s) were hers and she pointed to the boy who was playing, and we talked for a couple minutes.

Then I looked back and said to myself, that boy looks like my neighbor’s son. I looked back at the woman, saw a tattoo right under her ear that was like my neighbor’s and was like, “Are you Courtney’s sister?” And she smiled really big and said yes, so we got to talking a little bit more. Later that afternoon when I saw Courtney she said that her sister sent her a text saying, “Wow, your neighbor sure is extroverted. Came right up to me and said ‘hi’ and struck up a conversation.” It just made me smile to hear because, no, I’m not.

Don’t get me wrong, when I get to know people, I’m super silly, much more confident, much more not caring of what others think, etc. But with new people? Nope. My need for not being awkward in situations with new people trumps my wanting to expand my social network. I’m totally fine being by myself. I like being by myself, I enjoy the quiet…but…I know how important it is to BE social.

So, I’m social. And the military has put me in the situation of being the “new” co-worker, the “new” neighbor, the “new” spouse, the “new” mom enough times after 6 moves between 5 states that I’m being seen as, and called, an extrovert.

Part of that misconception is probably my coming off a little strong to those spouses I meet who are not military spouses. I feel like I share WAY TOO MUCH in a very short amount of time. And when I say share too much, I mean about literally any aspect of my life. Why? Because I’m used to not having a lot of time to get to know people. Military spouses have to make friends, and make them fast, because our time with them is limited from the jump.

We don’t have years to get to know people and grow the slow roots of friendship and trust. We have at most, 3 years with the spouses we meet before we say goodbye. That’s 36 months to find spouses, get to know them, see if you mesh, and start making friendship memories before you have to go through the whole process again when either one of you moves. And that’s if you’re lucky and the military doesn’t move you sooner than the three years that you’re ‘supposed’ to have at one duty station AND if you're on the same move schedule. You could just move somewhere starting your 3 years and another mom you meet and mesh with is waiting on orders to move because they're finishing their 3.

Then...you have to say goodbye.

I was lucky to live on base at our last two duty stations, but that meant I was surrounded by other military spouses who just got the make-friends-fast fire drill that we all live through with each move. Here, I am not. I’m sure I’ve come across a little strong in some of our social situations, just jumping right into the group and acting like I’ve been here the whole time with these women even though it’s literally only been 7 months.

It's the military’s fault.

The military has turned me from an introvert who would love to have a small group of great girlfriends that get together and hang out with our kids and who can have a good time, into someone who is forced to be uncomfortable making small talk and telling pretty much complete strangers our entire family history on the 3rd play date because I have no friends, but I want friends.

It’s the conundrum of life and just one of the things this military life has forced me to confront. I am extremely grateful for the women on my street who have become fast friends with me (I didn't give them much of a choice) and who have made yet another transition for me and my kiddos easier.

I am looking forward to actually being able to take time with these friendships this time (even though I'm still missing those I just said goodbye to...my California C-sterhood).

Just be forewarned that I am still amazingly awkward at small talk and will obsess about that awkwardness for days/weeks/months (years even if the awkwardness was strong enough) after it’s happened because that’s just how my brain works.

K...bye...